Letter to Emma

My dearest sweet Emma,

I haven't written in a while (in blog terms, that is) and this is not due to lack of inspiration or material but more because I have been knee-deep in taking you in. Completely. Besides, you do make it VERY difficult to stay in one place for very long, much less allow the time to write! So, when I woke up this morning I told myself it's time to get back to writing and reflect on these past months with you. As of today, you are about five months and three weeks old. We have been on so many adventures already! As I type this, you are right next to me cooing and staring lovingly at me. Make no mistake, though, you are also eyeballing the laptop because you would like nothing better than to smack your little hands on the keyboard to be just like mommy and daddy. But you have still found a way to make my eyes well up with tears.

At this age, you are even more curious, aware, and tuned in -- in a flirty, comedic and ambitious sort of way. And I can't help but gush about it... I am truly amazed by you. Every single moment of every single day. There's a way in which you look at a person with such depth behind your eyes -- it's as if you're an old soul. Your smile is so endearing -- so pretty and absolutely infectious! Your eyes even smile. And you are a total character! You get this sort of curious look on your face when you realize in the middle of playing that you're doing something that makes us absolutely crack up. Then you look at us with this big grin on your face and go right back to doing what was making us laugh. You are so much fun to be around!

From the very moment I found out I was pregnant with you, life as I (and your Dad) knew it had changed. And in ways we could never have imagined. I cannot believe how much I have learned in this short period of time with you. I have learned so much about myself. You being here reminds me what is truly important in life; appreciating the beauty in our surroundings, enjoying each day to the fullest. Sometimes, certain events in everyday life can throw me off track. But when I think of you or see your face, I light up with a smile of my own because I am reminded of how much love we have in our lives together as a family. That is the most beautiful, precious thing in the world to me. That is what holds me together.

And now, here I am, writing again -- but now you're about six months, two weeks old. I haven't had much of an opportunity to sit with the laptop and really focus on writing lately for the most part, because we've been planning and preparing for and enjoying the holiday season! It's so important for me to be able to immerse myself in writing to you. I cherish these times with you and I don't want to miss putting anything down.

Since I started this letter to you we have celebrated your first Thanksgiving (at our house with Grandma Stella, Grandpa Craig, and the whole rest of the bunch), met up with Grandma and Grandpa (Simmons) in Las Vegas to visit your Great Grandmother Kay, Great Aunt Sheri and Great Uncle Gary, and have spent this last week with Grandma and Grandpa Simmons at our house for your very first Christmas. How lucky are we? We have had so much fun being able to spend this time together. I can tell you that Grandma and Grandpa couldn't get enough of you. You entertained us all while you were playing with the new toys you received for Christmas, rolling around on the floor, babbling and squealing in your jumper, making sure you slobbered on everything.

You are so loved. Seeing how you interacted with everyone at Thanksgiving, in Las Vegas and during Christmas has absolutely melted my heart. Your beautiful smile and sweet disposition make everyone - even strangers - light up. You have an amazing ability to warm people's hearts.

Holding My Breath: Scratching the Surface of the Trickle-Down from the Meltdown

I just realized this morning as I read that the House of Representatives voted and passed the $700 billion bail-out plan, that I feel as though I've been "holding my breath." As I let out a sigh (of relief?), I felt the wheels in my mind start turning again. There are many matters in my life that are beyond my control at this point that I've let block my view, slow me down and in some cases, cause me to freeze up. As far as blame goes, I can't point the finger solely at the financial crisis here in the U.S. And I definitely do not believe this bail-out will will be the cure-all. I'm sure it will take some time for the dust to settle and who knows what direction it will take us. The ramifications of this tangled mess have spread like disease and it is unquestionably the source of my many sleepless nights (other than Emma, of course). But, upon deeper examination, I do believe it's been the chain of events leading up to this crisis that continue to baffle me and have led me to a sort of "waiting for the other shoe to drop" thought process.

Joe and I were smack dab in the middle of the sub prime market in its heyday. And from then on, we have been tracking the housing/mortgage market very closely. Like many others, we, too have been directly and hugely affected by the mortgage meltdown. The loss of our jobs and equity in our homes sent us reeling. And from there, the aftershocks have not let up. I've been holding my breath for quite a while.

And so, I am again prompted to recall the reason I chose to start my blog entitled "Seize the Day" -- to remind myself to do exactly that. This space is intended to keep me in check, pushing me to look beneath the surface when it comes to thoughts that cross my mind. It's easy to skim over the details because of the inconvenience of it all -- too much thought and energy put into analyzing and re-analyzing. And when would I find the time?! But it's at times like these that I need to take a closer look at what may be preventing me from seizing the day -- seizing the opportunities that have come my way. More importantly, I must CREATE opportunities. I'm not one to wallow in disappointment yet I can't be the one who freezes up and does nothing, either. Regardless of the situation going on with the economy, (to quote Martha Washington) "I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I may be." It's all up to me to control what I can control and it's game time!

Milestones: Emma's Firsts

I've never really used the word "milestone" before. In context it seems over-enthusiastic, even cliche and I really haven't had much reason to use it, either. Yet, here I am, once again offering more evidence that motherhood can cause one to see things very differently than those pre-parenthood days. And that's my opener for my overwhelming desire to write about the collection of firsts -- or milestones -- that Emma (Joe and I included) has recently experienced.

It all started on September 13th when we decided to take an impromptu day trip to San Francisco. I'm pretty pleased that Emma's first day trip was to an international city (even though she won't have an inkling of a memory of it). We hit up a funky Caribbean restaurant near Golden Gate Park (she was awake the WHOLE time), shopped and walked down Haight-Ashbury, stroller and all, took in an amazing view of the beach near the Cliff House restaurant (pictured above) and even managed to make it out to a local hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant later that evening. We had an absolute blast and Emma was a well-behaved adventurer (we were sure to gather photographic proof as we may need to remind ourselves sometime in the future that it IS possible).

Then we started Mommy and Me "swim" lessons on the 15th. Everyone says that babies take to the water naturally after having been in the womb and I felt it was important to tap into and extend that comfortability by taking Emma to the water at 3 months old. It gets us out of the house to spend some outdoor time together and also involves interaction between her and someone other than her parents. Most importantly it's a great outlet for her boundless energy. She's getting adjusted to what she can and cannot do in the water and as a result has blown bubbles, splashed around and dipped her face -- by accident, of course. I'm sure this is just the beginning of the myriad activities Joe and I will expose her to.

September 20th was yet another adventure of sorts. We took Emma to get her ears pierced. As much as I envisioned putting some beautiful diamond studs in her virgin ears, I had to abstain. For one because I don't even have a pair of diamond studs! All kidding aside, I felt weak in the knees when we walked through the entrance of Claire's in the mall. We got up to the counter where the mean piercing gun sat and I thought, "I don't think I can do this!" I started to imagine the blood curdling cries that would accompany her bright red face and infamous (and absolutely heart warming) pouty bottom lip sticking out as she stared us right in the eyes with a look that begs to know why we did this to her. I feared I would never forget the horrible sound and tortuous image. And I was right. Joe and I were terrified. But we all managed to get through it and it didn't take Emma long before she stopped crying. Of course, Joe flying her through the store and then through the mall as Super Baby helped tremendously. I do believe her ears were made for earrings. She makes them look GOOD.

Best Practices

Over the years, I've heard so many tips on things I can do to help make my life easier and more enjoyable. Some, MAJOR adjustments and some, little lifestyle tweaks. The other morning I realized that I still practice quite a few of these suggestions! It might be a good idea to take a refresher course on others, though. So, in hopes of reminding myself of some of the most logical rules to follow, I thought I would share them. Here they are:

1. Exercise in the MORNING - it gets your metabolism going and adrenaline flowing first thing. As tough as it is to drag your butt out of bed and into workout gear, it feels amazing to start the day with that sense of accomplishment that carries through until the evening. And you don't agonize all day about that trip to the gym later, either.

2. Get plenty of rest - sleep for at least a 7 hour stretch. Studies suggest those who take in at this amount of sleep, are slimmer and live longer than those who don't. And the exercise ties into providing better, more solid sleep. Also avoid caffeine 4 to 6 hours before night-night time.

3. Don't have a TV in your bedroom - I understand this one...it's a total mood killer! And it affects our ability to ease into sleep mode.

4. De-stress - this one's so vital to our overall health and life span. It breaks our bodies down. Stress also triggers the release of cortisol, a chemical in our brains that is responsible for lowered immunity and abdominal fat. I've gotta learn how to meditate!

5. Be kind to others - because it makes you and the other person feel good. And not that I practice this philosophy for this reason, but kindness comes back to you. Even the smallest acts of kindness pull you in closer to that other person and can enrich your relationship.

6. Have lots of sex - it seems easier said than done lately, but I've always known sex to have amazing health benefits. Doing the deed a few times a week stirs up and brings to the surface all those "feel good" hormones and even lengthens your lifespan. As if we need any more reasons to have sexy time!

7. Eat breakfast - it wasn't until I became a voraciously hungry pregnant woman that I ran with this one. There are many healthy ways to do this. Whole grain cereal (preferably with fiber) gives you a great a.m. jump start. And don't forget to squeeze in protein - it makes you feel fuller longer. There are TONS of great tips to follow on the link I provided. This article identifies what kind of proteins to eat, suggests what to have for breakfast, what to snack on throughout the day and which foods can boost your energy.

Rules like these are so ingrained in my mind that I don't even realize I follow them. And there are so many more! So when I conjure up more little tidbits from my fact-infused brain, I plan on hitting my blog and laying them out there proudly.

The Emma Update

Taking Emma to her 2 Month Wellness Visit to see her doctor wasn't as bad as I expected! She is now 11 lbs 12 oz and 23 1/4 inches long. She was such a skinny baby at her 2 week visit that she was somewhere in the 15th percentile of other babies her age, but now she's within the 75th. So, that was refreshing to hear. Now we have a little baby fat to pinch on her legs. I love it!

When she received her vaccination shots, it may have been good (for me anyway) that she was already crying due to the fact that she was SO hungry (when is she not?). So in taking Joe's advice, I remained calm, remembering (in his words) that I am her pillar of strength. Ha ha. Thank GOD that's over. And from having spoken to friends that have already gone through this I thought she would be passed out for the rest of the day. No luck there, either. She was the same bundle of energy she always is. She is her father's child for sure.

As I am now adding to this post, Emma has reached the 3 month mark. Yeah, a bit delayed on getting my posts out there. Such is a mom's life. At least that's what I tell myself! She is really starting to reveal more of her personality and has such a sweet disposition. She throws out her adorable smile all the time, talks back-and-forth with us and is so aware of her surroundings. I am pleased to say she is quite the social butterfly!

In the past, we had been concerned with over-stimulating her but it's quite the opposite. She loves to people-watch (takes after her mom), hang out with others and pack in as many activities in the day as possible. That keeps us VERY busy (thus the delay in finishing this!). She might be a party animal at heart. Uh oh.

Every day seems to be different. She already rolled from her back to her stomach at about 2 months -- it was crazy. And now she loves to put everything in her mouth, almost full fist included. She is also grasping things like her rattle and has been grabbing and hanging onto my hair like a monkey from a vine for the past few weeks. Not yet sleeping through the night, though. Working on that...still.

Great things to think about when feeling extreme bouts of cabin fever and the effects of sleep deprivation

(Not in any particular order)

● The wafting aroma of a barbecue grill in the summer air

● The sound of kids playfully screaming and splashing in the swimming pool

● A good, full-bodied bottle of red wine and a big glass

● A relaxing 2 hour long massage

● Laying on a sunny beach in Mexico with a big, fat Margarita while inhaling the sea air

● Sleeping.

● When I was sane

● Sitting in a chaise lounge at the river in my bikini with a cooler full of ice cold beer, my hubby, Emma (in a few months) & our pooches pouncing in the water

● Sex. Of any sort. 'Nuff said.

● A good pedicure

● A long day out on the boat with good friends, some wake boarding and plenty to drink (you may notice a common theme here)

● A highly-caffeinated cup of frothy, creamy coffee

● Room service

● Having a housekeeper

● Breakfast in bed

● Seeing a live band

● Stargazing

● Shopping!

● That high you get after a kick-ass work-out

● Cooking (and eating) a scintillating meal

● A breathtaking view

Ah...I feel better already.

I've Gotta Regroup!

Here I am, every bit the new mom, struggling to convince myself each and every day that I can manage to get done all that is necessary (necessary in my mind anyway) despite the demands of a two month-old. I've already admitted to being a nerd, but I have much more to 'fess up to. I'm a perfectionist and my own worst critic. To the point of debilitation at times. I told myself that when I came home from the hospital with Emma, I was going to leave the ridiculously high expectations I hold for myself at the door...but they've begun to creep back in. Friends and acquaintances--who really mean well--say to "take it easy," give everything time, and that I'll lose the weight eventually - I just need to focus on and enjoy our newest arrival. I love the idea of that. In fact, that's what rings through my mind every morning when I'm awaken by the coos of our little Emma. She is our focus, our blessing. And she has already taught me so much.

I do think, though, that before having Emma I read way too many parenting magazines and pregnancy websites. All too often I read the warnings for new moms: make it a point to call and chat it up with your friends before having the baby because afterward, who knows when you'll find the time. Or the most common advice: don't concern yourself with a messy house because it's not going anywhere-you can always clean it later. Blah, blah, blah. I set out to prove them wrong. Maybe this is where I started to get a little off course?

But as the end of my maternity leave draws near, I find myself in a slight panic. I thought I'd have a lot more figured out by now. I thought I would have complete control over the flow of my day. I expected upon coming home to have some time management issues (and yet this is still my biggest challenge), but somehow, I feel as though I've fallen short. Not only do I want a happy, well-engaged baby, I want romance with my husband! Happy hounds! A clean house! I should be able to prepare a healthy, well-balanced dinner for my family every evening! I want it all. You see, my M.O. is that if I can get all I need to get done, done, everything else will fall into place and that's when I spend that quality time with my family. The problem is that not everything ever gets done. Sounds like it's time to get back to basics.

I can no longer blame pregnancy hormones for my instability. However, I do believe that sleep deprivation has done a real number on me, so I might hold that in my back pocket. As I write about the utter importance of a clean house and the killer figure I want NOW, it becomes clear I've fallen off track. Such goals seem insignificant when compared to what it means to bring a life into this world. I've gotta regroup! In order for me to be the parent and role model I want to be for Emma, I better have my shit together and my head on straight. I thought that if I made sure everything was in order, exactly the way it should be, I would feel as though I had my head on straight, that I could be the mother that has it all together. But actually, it was quite the opposite. I drove myself (and Joe) nuts. My focus has been on remaining strong by not letting anything get to me - business as usual as far as managing day-to-day life. I'm in complete control. But I haven't been realistic.

Parenting can be messy. It can be unorganized, unpredictable, imperfect, and I have to accept that. I had this image in my head that I wanted everything I had control over in the world as it presents itself to Emma at least initially to be just right. I viewed this as being part of the solid foundation I've been working so hard to establish. After all, one of the most monumental concepts I've attempted to grasp since she was born is her complete reliance upon me.

So, in order to be the best mother I can be, I really have to regroup. Regrouping means re-prioritizing. It also means maybe I should give myself a break. I have to let go of debilitating behavior, clear out the clutter and visualize what I want out of life instead of steering away from it by distracting myself for fear that the outcome may be different than I'd like. Rather than fixating on the loss of control that being a new mom brings, I'm looking forward to more important things like getting to stare into Emma's big, blue eyes every day knowing I am her one and only mommy, perfectionist and all! Maybe that will allow everything to fall into place...