I've Gotta Regroup!

Here I am, every bit the new mom, struggling to convince myself each and every day that I can manage to get done all that is necessary (necessary in my mind anyway) despite the demands of a two month-old. I've already admitted to being a nerd, but I have much more to 'fess up to. I'm a perfectionist and my own worst critic. To the point of debilitation at times. I told myself that when I came home from the hospital with Emma, I was going to leave the ridiculously high expectations I hold for myself at the door...but they've begun to creep back in. Friends and acquaintances--who really mean well--say to "take it easy," give everything time, and that I'll lose the weight eventually - I just need to focus on and enjoy our newest arrival. I love the idea of that. In fact, that's what rings through my mind every morning when I'm awaken by the coos of our little Emma. She is our focus, our blessing. And she has already taught me so much.

I do think, though, that before having Emma I read way too many parenting magazines and pregnancy websites. All too often I read the warnings for new moms: make it a point to call and chat it up with your friends before having the baby because afterward, who knows when you'll find the time. Or the most common advice: don't concern yourself with a messy house because it's not going anywhere-you can always clean it later. Blah, blah, blah. I set out to prove them wrong. Maybe this is where I started to get a little off course?

But as the end of my maternity leave draws near, I find myself in a slight panic. I thought I'd have a lot more figured out by now. I thought I would have complete control over the flow of my day. I expected upon coming home to have some time management issues (and yet this is still my biggest challenge), but somehow, I feel as though I've fallen short. Not only do I want a happy, well-engaged baby, I want romance with my husband! Happy hounds! A clean house! I should be able to prepare a healthy, well-balanced dinner for my family every evening! I want it all. You see, my M.O. is that if I can get all I need to get done, done, everything else will fall into place and that's when I spend that quality time with my family. The problem is that not everything ever gets done. Sounds like it's time to get back to basics.

I can no longer blame pregnancy hormones for my instability. However, I do believe that sleep deprivation has done a real number on me, so I might hold that in my back pocket. As I write about the utter importance of a clean house and the killer figure I want NOW, it becomes clear I've fallen off track. Such goals seem insignificant when compared to what it means to bring a life into this world. I've gotta regroup! In order for me to be the parent and role model I want to be for Emma, I better have my shit together and my head on straight. I thought that if I made sure everything was in order, exactly the way it should be, I would feel as though I had my head on straight, that I could be the mother that has it all together. But actually, it was quite the opposite. I drove myself (and Joe) nuts. My focus has been on remaining strong by not letting anything get to me - business as usual as far as managing day-to-day life. I'm in complete control. But I haven't been realistic.

Parenting can be messy. It can be unorganized, unpredictable, imperfect, and I have to accept that. I had this image in my head that I wanted everything I had control over in the world as it presents itself to Emma at least initially to be just right. I viewed this as being part of the solid foundation I've been working so hard to establish. After all, one of the most monumental concepts I've attempted to grasp since she was born is her complete reliance upon me.

So, in order to be the best mother I can be, I really have to regroup. Regrouping means re-prioritizing. It also means maybe I should give myself a break. I have to let go of debilitating behavior, clear out the clutter and visualize what I want out of life instead of steering away from it by distracting myself for fear that the outcome may be different than I'd like. Rather than fixating on the loss of control that being a new mom brings, I'm looking forward to more important things like getting to stare into Emma's big, blue eyes every day knowing I am her one and only mommy, perfectionist and all! Maybe that will allow everything to fall into place...