The Emma Update

Taking Emma to her 2 Month Wellness Visit to see her doctor wasn't as bad as I expected! She is now 11 lbs 12 oz and 23 1/4 inches long. She was such a skinny baby at her 2 week visit that she was somewhere in the 15th percentile of other babies her age, but now she's within the 75th. So, that was refreshing to hear. Now we have a little baby fat to pinch on her legs. I love it!

When she received her vaccination shots, it may have been good (for me anyway) that she was already crying due to the fact that she was SO hungry (when is she not?). So in taking Joe's advice, I remained calm, remembering (in his words) that I am her pillar of strength. Ha ha. Thank GOD that's over. And from having spoken to friends that have already gone through this I thought she would be passed out for the rest of the day. No luck there, either. She was the same bundle of energy she always is. She is her father's child for sure.

As I am now adding to this post, Emma has reached the 3 month mark. Yeah, a bit delayed on getting my posts out there. Such is a mom's life. At least that's what I tell myself! She is really starting to reveal more of her personality and has such a sweet disposition. She throws out her adorable smile all the time, talks back-and-forth with us and is so aware of her surroundings. I am pleased to say she is quite the social butterfly!

In the past, we had been concerned with over-stimulating her but it's quite the opposite. She loves to people-watch (takes after her mom), hang out with others and pack in as many activities in the day as possible. That keeps us VERY busy (thus the delay in finishing this!). She might be a party animal at heart. Uh oh.

Every day seems to be different. She already rolled from her back to her stomach at about 2 months -- it was crazy. And now she loves to put everything in her mouth, almost full fist included. She is also grasping things like her rattle and has been grabbing and hanging onto my hair like a monkey from a vine for the past few weeks. Not yet sleeping through the night, though. Working on that...still.

Great things to think about when feeling extreme bouts of cabin fever and the effects of sleep deprivation

(Not in any particular order)

● The wafting aroma of a barbecue grill in the summer air

● The sound of kids playfully screaming and splashing in the swimming pool

● A good, full-bodied bottle of red wine and a big glass

● A relaxing 2 hour long massage

● Laying on a sunny beach in Mexico with a big, fat Margarita while inhaling the sea air

● Sleeping.

● When I was sane

● Sitting in a chaise lounge at the river in my bikini with a cooler full of ice cold beer, my hubby, Emma (in a few months) & our pooches pouncing in the water

● Sex. Of any sort. 'Nuff said.

● A good pedicure

● A long day out on the boat with good friends, some wake boarding and plenty to drink (you may notice a common theme here)

● A highly-caffeinated cup of frothy, creamy coffee

● Room service

● Having a housekeeper

● Breakfast in bed

● Seeing a live band

● Stargazing

● Shopping!

● That high you get after a kick-ass work-out

● Cooking (and eating) a scintillating meal

● A breathtaking view

Ah...I feel better already.

I've Gotta Regroup!

Here I am, every bit the new mom, struggling to convince myself each and every day that I can manage to get done all that is necessary (necessary in my mind anyway) despite the demands of a two month-old. I've already admitted to being a nerd, but I have much more to 'fess up to. I'm a perfectionist and my own worst critic. To the point of debilitation at times. I told myself that when I came home from the hospital with Emma, I was going to leave the ridiculously high expectations I hold for myself at the door...but they've begun to creep back in. Friends and acquaintances--who really mean well--say to "take it easy," give everything time, and that I'll lose the weight eventually - I just need to focus on and enjoy our newest arrival. I love the idea of that. In fact, that's what rings through my mind every morning when I'm awaken by the coos of our little Emma. She is our focus, our blessing. And she has already taught me so much.

I do think, though, that before having Emma I read way too many parenting magazines and pregnancy websites. All too often I read the warnings for new moms: make it a point to call and chat it up with your friends before having the baby because afterward, who knows when you'll find the time. Or the most common advice: don't concern yourself with a messy house because it's not going anywhere-you can always clean it later. Blah, blah, blah. I set out to prove them wrong. Maybe this is where I started to get a little off course?

But as the end of my maternity leave draws near, I find myself in a slight panic. I thought I'd have a lot more figured out by now. I thought I would have complete control over the flow of my day. I expected upon coming home to have some time management issues (and yet this is still my biggest challenge), but somehow, I feel as though I've fallen short. Not only do I want a happy, well-engaged baby, I want romance with my husband! Happy hounds! A clean house! I should be able to prepare a healthy, well-balanced dinner for my family every evening! I want it all. You see, my M.O. is that if I can get all I need to get done, done, everything else will fall into place and that's when I spend that quality time with my family. The problem is that not everything ever gets done. Sounds like it's time to get back to basics.

I can no longer blame pregnancy hormones for my instability. However, I do believe that sleep deprivation has done a real number on me, so I might hold that in my back pocket. As I write about the utter importance of a clean house and the killer figure I want NOW, it becomes clear I've fallen off track. Such goals seem insignificant when compared to what it means to bring a life into this world. I've gotta regroup! In order for me to be the parent and role model I want to be for Emma, I better have my shit together and my head on straight. I thought that if I made sure everything was in order, exactly the way it should be, I would feel as though I had my head on straight, that I could be the mother that has it all together. But actually, it was quite the opposite. I drove myself (and Joe) nuts. My focus has been on remaining strong by not letting anything get to me - business as usual as far as managing day-to-day life. I'm in complete control. But I haven't been realistic.

Parenting can be messy. It can be unorganized, unpredictable, imperfect, and I have to accept that. I had this image in my head that I wanted everything I had control over in the world as it presents itself to Emma at least initially to be just right. I viewed this as being part of the solid foundation I've been working so hard to establish. After all, one of the most monumental concepts I've attempted to grasp since she was born is her complete reliance upon me.

So, in order to be the best mother I can be, I really have to regroup. Regrouping means re-prioritizing. It also means maybe I should give myself a break. I have to let go of debilitating behavior, clear out the clutter and visualize what I want out of life instead of steering away from it by distracting myself for fear that the outcome may be different than I'd like. Rather than fixating on the loss of control that being a new mom brings, I'm looking forward to more important things like getting to stare into Emma's big, blue eyes every day knowing I am her one and only mommy, perfectionist and all! Maybe that will allow everything to fall into place...

I'm a Nerd

I've always known I was a nerd. I still am. Once I got through the 80s (with really bad hair, way too much make up and fantasies of hanging backstage with Simon LeBon of Duran Duran) I realized I had been attempting to cover it up (with pegged Bongo jeans and denial, of course). T'was the era. But I digress. It's just that the 80s happened to be during my adolescence when I was trying to "find myself." Those years of pop cheesiness and parachute pants were so captivating! They pulled me in pretty deep when I was most impressionable and I must admit, it took me a while to dig myself out. Definitely nerdy trait number one. (By the way, the picture to the left is from http://yearbookyourself.com/ if you want to do this to your own photo.)

But before the 80s is when I distinctly remember hanging out with my nerd friends on the playground in 4th grade. I think I knew even then that they were nerds but hadn't yet made the connection that that meant I was one, too. We were all the straight "A" students. At least we were smart! This time was particularly memorable because this was when my yearning to be like the popular kids first reared its ugly head. I think it first occurred to me that I wasn't one of the "popular kids" when one of the girls in the chosen crowd for some reason was writing her last will & testament and said she would bequeath me her paper. I was torn in wondering if I should feel honored for being included in her precious will or offended by the fact that she associated me with such an innocuous possession as her paper. Anyway, I think she turned out to be a lesbian.

My mom used to dress me. In such atrocities as Keds (NOT in style then) and white knee-hi socks with gauchos (culottes). If you don't know what those are, there's good reason. But the truly sinful ensemble was the fuchsia colored pants paired with a multi-colored, striped collared shirt that I wore to my piano recital when I was 10. What was I thinking? No, what was my MOM thinking? Nerd trait number two. I was so confused.

By far, these are not the only tales of my challenges. I'm not even going to write about the layered hair cut and perm I donned on my first day of high school. I still haven't come to terms with that. However, I will proudly (and gradually) unveil my many more nerdy qualities as I regain familiarity with them. Writing about and confessing to my nerdiness at this point in time is not solely an attempt to banish all my past efforts to hide it. And I've put forth plenty of effort. My realization has come to the forefront because even years of soul searching have not brought me the amount of clarity I've experienced since having my daughter. It's clarity, even simplicity to a certain degree. I feel no need to bury that part of me or be selective as to whom I show it. What a relief! I suppose I'm learning to embrace my inner geek and rediscovering those traits and interests that made me who I am today. Well, I'm not sure Emma knows what she's in for with having a nerd for a mom. Emma, you have nothing to fear...unless I feel the need to bring my inner 80s fashionista back.

5 Things on My Mind

At any given time I have a zillion things running through my mind, but there are a few (five to be exact) that I've clung to this morning:

1) FRECKLES - I have more and more every time I look in the mirror. Something I read made me pay more attention to them as of late. I read that nobody is BORN with freckles. I thought about that. It's true! No one IS born with freckles! I wasn't born with freckles. I accumulated them as I grew older. And more and more keep popping up on various body parts. As a teenager I worshipped the sun and thought that because I'm half Mexican my skin could take it. I forgot about the other half that's Irish. The other half is revealing itself now alright. I knew I should have paid more attention to all the babble about wearing sunscreen.

2) WEEZER - I listened to them this morning on my jog. They're one of those bands that for some reason, I forget that I really enjoy listening to. Any group that makes fun of society is ok in my book.

3) MY NIGHT LAST NIGHT - Emma woke up about every 2 hours last night to eat. My brain goes crazy at 3am when it's dark and no one's awake in the house (except me and Emma). I kept thinking about what to write in my new blog. I'm already hooked. Beware!

4) JOGGING STROLLERS - No one tells you that they add 15 pounds to the 20 pounds you're trying to lose. I can't believe how much it kicks my butt. It's great!?

5) C-SECTION SCARS - Mine's itchy. Sucks.

Okay, I did say FIVE things, but there's actually six: EMMA. How can I resist?